If I ever had to write an autobiography, it would be called Egal — the German word for doesn’t matter. Not because I think my life lacks meaning, but because, in the grand scheme of things, the metrics we obsess over — achievements, titles, validation — don’t really define us. What truly matters is finding peace in the little things life offers, and the tranquillity we stumble upon after chaos.
Egal isn’t a negative word. It’s liberation. Some things in life are simply immeasurable. I’ve faced challenges that felt insurmountable, but I never clung to them for identity. I’ve always wondered — Warum (why in German)? Why couldn’t I be a normal Jane Doe who followed the safe academic route of getting bank or government jobs? Why did I choose chaos over convention?
Why do I always take the road less travelled (also the tagline of my website)? Why couldn’t I be the person who found peace in predictability? Instead, I’ve been this so-called maniac with no plan, paying a steep price in uncertainty — and money. After all, time is irreversible, and living without a rulebook is expensive.
It’s hard living a life no one understands. When everyone else builds stable lives with partners, children, and family dinners, I remain the unpredictable variable. They find comfort in routine; I find thrill in the unknown. And while that makes me feel stupid or alien sometimes, it mostly makes me feel free.
But freedom is lonely. I rarely ask for help. It’s always me against the world, no safety net. And yet, maybe we all feel like that. Maybe everyone’s story is undebatable in their own lens.
Every city I’ve lived in taught me something:
- Being oblivious is sometimes good.
- Being kind isn’t taxing.
- Never value things over people.
- Never fear for your life.
- Being alone isn’t bad — it’s self-discovery.
I read romantic stories that break my heart, not because I lack love, but because I know I don’t want to belong to someone. I don’t want to be anyone’s property — just a little belonging is fine, not the stalker-level obsession. Still, it vexes— the idea of a love that’s selfless and consuming. Sometimes I let myself feel that ache.
But here’s something I’m proud of: I never use or abuse people. I have boundaries. I’m upfront. Life isn’t just about giving — it’s about balanced give and take. Knowing yourself is the greatest power; no one can use you when you’re self-aware.
Most people want to be puppets in someone else’s show so they don’t have to face the truth of who they are. But not me. I’ve made mistakes — oh, I’ve made plenty. But I’d rather own my chaos than live someone else’s dream on autopilot.
Life has a way of kicking you when you’re down. But honestly, when are you not down? When are we ever truly content? We exaggerate our struggles while we’re in them, only to laugh later and forget we ever fought through blood, sweat, and tears.
For me, life has always been out-of-syllabus. I board the train without knowing the route, then panic later. It’s messy. It’s painful. But it’s mine.
And in the end, Egal — it doesn’t matter. Because I’m still here, still trying, still alive. And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.
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